Lies, the tools of a narcissist.
I read that narcissists do not have a conscience, looking back on my experiences I found no basis for this statement even though it is widely accepted. What I found was that a narcissist has a selective conscience. When applied to themselves they were very conscious of right and wrong, being respected or disrespected and being dishonored. Yet when it came to others the rules would change and these basic human rights did not apply.
After a while of studying my husband and his behaviour, I began to understand why he felt like this. Its actually quite simple, he puts himself at a much higher value than others. He is superior, while you are nothing. He thinks of others' as tools to fulfill his purpose, whatever that maybe be. In a way dehumanising them.
This may sound very strange to an outsider but let me give you an example of how it manifests. My mother in law fell ill, she is in her nineties and frail but due to neglect ended up in hospital. When I did not ask about her health continuously, my husband saw fit to end all communication with me entirely. He told our daughter that he does not speak to me because I don't ask about his mum. Even though I had asked about her and in fact new she had gone into hospital even before he did. I was in touch with his niece who told me all about it. He did not care.
On a Sunday when he was already growing irritated with our seven year old daughter he flipped and started shouting at her for not asking about his mum. He called her a cow and said "I hate you". I overheard this in the kitchen and went to see as I could not believe what I heard. He looked me in the eye as I approached and said "what?" in his usual aggressive manner. As if he had done nothing wrong.
In my heart I already knew to expect the foulest behaviour from him but to say that to our little girl was despicable. As she went off to her room in a flood of tears, she told me she hated her father.
I could already see the signs that the kids were growing weary of him and starting to dislike his company more and more.
The next day he is as loving and sweet to our daughter as if nothing happened. Yet I could see her resentment towards him building. In his mind he was the one slighted by our behaviour and the fact he had forgiven his daughter, meant she should be grateful.
These are common occurrences in a relationship with a narcissists. Early on in our relationship I learned that if he said black, it meant white. Whenever he was going out I use to ask where he was going as anyone would. He would say he is going to the shop and disappear for hours or that he is going to his mums and go out with his friends. If his mouth was open he was lying. He lied about everything, money, business, family, where he was going, who he was seeing, what he was doing, who he was talking to. It got to a point where I just stopped asking him about anything because even the most mundane things he would lie about. It just was his natural reflex to lie. It was so natural it was like breathing, he did not have to even think of lie, they just came out.
Every cloud has a silver lining! You might think all this lying was a living nightmare. It was but it was also a blessing. The more his real character became apparent to me, the more I detached myself from him. He made it clear he was not really interested in being with me through his little lies. Narcissists are incapable of giving you closure, or having a discussion or dealing with any issues in a relationship directly. That would expose him for what he is and what he is doing to you or worse resolve something and he does not want that. He would often say men don't talk. Yet if you ever heard him on one of his video calls to his friends, nephews, sisters or brothers, hours would wither away criticising every person they new and passing judgement on them. They finish it of by saying good luck to them and may "God guide them" as if that will clear them of the backbiting and put them in God's good books.
Nevertheless I realised I needed to read in between the lies. For instance when I was making an attempt to spend more time together, I suggested we go for a coffee, his reply "I don't drink coffee" came back so swiftly it felt like a slap in the face, it was. Of course he drinks coffee, everyday at the coffee shop we built together. What he meant was, I don't drink coffee with you!
On another occasion I suggested we go on holiday together as a family since we had never done that and he said "maybe I'm not that kind of man". Yet he was that man when his nephew was getting married and he jumped at the chance to fly to his wedding & because it required the attendance of his wife and kids, he dragged us along. Promises of exploring Scotland and time spent as a family enticed us. Only to find that once there he chased his nephew and family around like a lost puppy and all that we explored was the sad fact that we were never going to be a family.
These priceless gems if it was not my own sad life would make a great comedy.
So back to having a conscience, he has it and he applies perfectly when others are around, behaving like a loving father and husband. Being respectful in front of strangers, family members and the community at large. It would be hard for anyone to believe he is not perfect. This is the biggest lie. Obviously the way he behaves at home is not acceptable in society, so he puts on a fascade. It is very hard for a normal person to continue such a lie but for a narcissist this is second nature. Its just survival!
Stay tuned
Stay strong,
Nanny
After a while of studying my husband and his behaviour, I began to understand why he felt like this. Its actually quite simple, he puts himself at a much higher value than others. He is superior, while you are nothing. He thinks of others' as tools to fulfill his purpose, whatever that maybe be. In a way dehumanising them.
This may sound very strange to an outsider but let me give you an example of how it manifests. My mother in law fell ill, she is in her nineties and frail but due to neglect ended up in hospital. When I did not ask about her health continuously, my husband saw fit to end all communication with me entirely. He told our daughter that he does not speak to me because I don't ask about his mum. Even though I had asked about her and in fact new she had gone into hospital even before he did. I was in touch with his niece who told me all about it. He did not care.
On a Sunday when he was already growing irritated with our seven year old daughter he flipped and started shouting at her for not asking about his mum. He called her a cow and said "I hate you". I overheard this in the kitchen and went to see as I could not believe what I heard. He looked me in the eye as I approached and said "what?" in his usual aggressive manner. As if he had done nothing wrong.
In my heart I already knew to expect the foulest behaviour from him but to say that to our little girl was despicable. As she went off to her room in a flood of tears, she told me she hated her father.
I could already see the signs that the kids were growing weary of him and starting to dislike his company more and more.
The next day he is as loving and sweet to our daughter as if nothing happened. Yet I could see her resentment towards him building. In his mind he was the one slighted by our behaviour and the fact he had forgiven his daughter, meant she should be grateful.
These are common occurrences in a relationship with a narcissists. Early on in our relationship I learned that if he said black, it meant white. Whenever he was going out I use to ask where he was going as anyone would. He would say he is going to the shop and disappear for hours or that he is going to his mums and go out with his friends. If his mouth was open he was lying. He lied about everything, money, business, family, where he was going, who he was seeing, what he was doing, who he was talking to. It got to a point where I just stopped asking him about anything because even the most mundane things he would lie about. It just was his natural reflex to lie. It was so natural it was like breathing, he did not have to even think of lie, they just came out.
Every cloud has a silver lining! You might think all this lying was a living nightmare. It was but it was also a blessing. The more his real character became apparent to me, the more I detached myself from him. He made it clear he was not really interested in being with me through his little lies. Narcissists are incapable of giving you closure, or having a discussion or dealing with any issues in a relationship directly. That would expose him for what he is and what he is doing to you or worse resolve something and he does not want that. He would often say men don't talk. Yet if you ever heard him on one of his video calls to his friends, nephews, sisters or brothers, hours would wither away criticising every person they new and passing judgement on them. They finish it of by saying good luck to them and may "God guide them" as if that will clear them of the backbiting and put them in God's good books.
Nevertheless I realised I needed to read in between the lies. For instance when I was making an attempt to spend more time together, I suggested we go for a coffee, his reply "I don't drink coffee" came back so swiftly it felt like a slap in the face, it was. Of course he drinks coffee, everyday at the coffee shop we built together. What he meant was, I don't drink coffee with you!
On another occasion I suggested we go on holiday together as a family since we had never done that and he said "maybe I'm not that kind of man". Yet he was that man when his nephew was getting married and he jumped at the chance to fly to his wedding & because it required the attendance of his wife and kids, he dragged us along. Promises of exploring Scotland and time spent as a family enticed us. Only to find that once there he chased his nephew and family around like a lost puppy and all that we explored was the sad fact that we were never going to be a family.
These priceless gems if it was not my own sad life would make a great comedy.
So back to having a conscience, he has it and he applies perfectly when others are around, behaving like a loving father and husband. Being respectful in front of strangers, family members and the community at large. It would be hard for anyone to believe he is not perfect. This is the biggest lie. Obviously the way he behaves at home is not acceptable in society, so he puts on a fascade. It is very hard for a normal person to continue such a lie but for a narcissist this is second nature. Its just survival!
Stay tuned
Stay strong,
Nanny
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