Denial is not a River in Egypt Part 4
In the back of your mind there is a constant niggling feeling that something is not right. Its like when your walking at night down a dark alley and you can sense something or someone is behind you. It feels like that and you know at some point that hidden danger is going to show its ugly face.
Nonetheless you ignore your intuition and all the red flags that keep popping up along the way in the hope that somehow by doing so things will work out. But they never do.
I can bet that all of us in such situations will behave the same way because like I said before no one gets married to get divorced. There are so many reasons why we don't want to let go of these relationships. Even if deep down inside we don't love the other person, we still hold on. When you have so much invested in a relationship, it is hard to admit defeat. There are other people to consider, family on both sides, children, property, finances, failure and also the label that will hang over your head forever "divorced". Despite what society tells you about being advanced and open minded, there is still a stigma about being divorced especially among certain communities and its not pretty.
So obviously I held on and on to a dying relationship and watched it deteriorate over time, while still trying to convince myself it is better than being divorced. NPD sufferers are hard to be around because they are very unstable in many ways. For example he would change his personality and take on the ideologies, traits, behaviour and opinions of whoever he was spending the most time around.
He was most fond of spending time with guys who were half his age and misogynists. They were immature, unemployed and with no sense of direction, what mainstream might consider to be wasters. Unfortunately he did not see or realise that over time, it impacted his character dramatically. Soon he, himself had no direction or desire to succeed or to achieve anything. He went from being a smart, optimistic person that when ever we decided to do something we just did it and everything fell into place. To this person who cannot even get out of bed and wore trackies even to work.
At first glance he stood out from among his group as being the only one who was educated, he had a degree and a masters. He came across as a gentleman, not one plagued by the backward attitudes that are synonymous with his community and so obviously rife among his family. But as time progressed it became clear that he was no different at all, he was just great at being a Chameleon.
Much later on I asked him about the fact that he had become the complete opposite of the person I had married he said "a man will do anything to get the woman he wants". I remember thinking that putting on an act is one thing but sustaining it for three years that is bordering on a psychopath. Oh how right I was about that. Sadly it took a while for the penny to drop but it did eventually.
NPD's crave control, control over everything and everyone. They want to be respected but not necessarily respectful to others, in fact they can be rude, very judgemental, dismissive, insulting, patronising and extremely manipulative, that is there speciality. They need you to make them feel good about themselves and massage their over inflated ego. Otherwise you are out. Anytime you fail to fulfill the never ending desire for appraisal that their ego requires, be prepared a dose of their favourite punishment...silence. I mean a deathly, no contact, zero communication, black out type of silence. I've gotten used to it. In fact, I think I am getting better at it that one day it will be permanent, God willing.
Nonetheless you ignore your intuition and all the red flags that keep popping up along the way in the hope that somehow by doing so things will work out. But they never do.
I can bet that all of us in such situations will behave the same way because like I said before no one gets married to get divorced. There are so many reasons why we don't want to let go of these relationships. Even if deep down inside we don't love the other person, we still hold on. When you have so much invested in a relationship, it is hard to admit defeat. There are other people to consider, family on both sides, children, property, finances, failure and also the label that will hang over your head forever "divorced". Despite what society tells you about being advanced and open minded, there is still a stigma about being divorced especially among certain communities and its not pretty.
So obviously I held on and on to a dying relationship and watched it deteriorate over time, while still trying to convince myself it is better than being divorced. NPD sufferers are hard to be around because they are very unstable in many ways. For example he would change his personality and take on the ideologies, traits, behaviour and opinions of whoever he was spending the most time around.
He was most fond of spending time with guys who were half his age and misogynists. They were immature, unemployed and with no sense of direction, what mainstream might consider to be wasters. Unfortunately he did not see or realise that over time, it impacted his character dramatically. Soon he, himself had no direction or desire to succeed or to achieve anything. He went from being a smart, optimistic person that when ever we decided to do something we just did it and everything fell into place. To this person who cannot even get out of bed and wore trackies even to work.
At first glance he stood out from among his group as being the only one who was educated, he had a degree and a masters. He came across as a gentleman, not one plagued by the backward attitudes that are synonymous with his community and so obviously rife among his family. But as time progressed it became clear that he was no different at all, he was just great at being a Chameleon.
Much later on I asked him about the fact that he had become the complete opposite of the person I had married he said "a man will do anything to get the woman he wants". I remember thinking that putting on an act is one thing but sustaining it for three years that is bordering on a psychopath. Oh how right I was about that. Sadly it took a while for the penny to drop but it did eventually.
NPD's crave control, control over everything and everyone. They want to be respected but not necessarily respectful to others, in fact they can be rude, very judgemental, dismissive, insulting, patronising and extremely manipulative, that is there speciality. They need you to make them feel good about themselves and massage their over inflated ego. Otherwise you are out. Anytime you fail to fulfill the never ending desire for appraisal that their ego requires, be prepared a dose of their favourite punishment...silence. I mean a deathly, no contact, zero communication, black out type of silence. I've gotten used to it. In fact, I think I am getting better at it that one day it will be permanent, God willing.
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