In the throws of a Dying Marriage Part 1

I woke up this morning from being very ill for the past week with Pneumonia, I don't want to go into detail about it but there is something that we all feel when we get sick and that is...helpless. Its always been a challenge for me being needy or incapable of doing something for myself that another human being is required. I struggle with it because ever since I got married, my relationship has taught me that I can rely on anyone, even a stranger before I can rely on my husband. I happened to be around him, in his house when I fell really ill and could not muster the energy to get out of the there. He was not as bad as before but I felt like a stray, unwelcome dog that was causing an inconvenience. Occasionally a glass of lemon, salt water would be sent to me or I would be asked if I wanted toast or something? But for the most part I was forgotten and ignored except by my wonderful children.

My memories of a previous time that I had been hospitalised with Pneumonia came flooding back. I remember lying in aging ward for the lack of beds and a lady next to me whaling in pain all night long. I spent five long, lonely days  there, hungry, unable to get myself up to go the toilet because I had no strength and when on the second day I saw him come in, I was so happy. I was not like the old people there so I thought, I have someone and he is going to take care of me. He brought our daughter who was two at the time and they sat for five minutes. He forgot to bring me food or a drink despite the fact I had not eaten the whole time. Our daughter was fussing and playing and an elderly woman across from me started swearing that a child should not be here. My husband took this as his cue and left before I could even say goodbye. I had been on intravenous antibiotics for five days, had barely any food, little water and no one to talk to when he finally came to get me. It was awful, to be so ill and realise you have no one in the world who cares about you. 

Our relationship is weird by any standard, strained, uncomfortable, in fact it is not technically a marriage. We are not intimate, we are not friends, his family hate me and we have nothing in common, even though we share the same religion and children and occasionally space, we have nothing.

For the short periods we occupy the same space for our kids' sake, we do not speak, we pass each other like you would a Leper, fearing if you linger you will catch something. If we were to have a conversation it would be littered with disagreements and fraught with huffs & puffs and eye-rolling.

He disagrees with my upbringing of the kids because he can do everything better but just ends up doing nothing at all. The kids have been my project from the start as in his world, that is a woman's job and a man is there to oversee from a distance and make sure the kids respect him and look up to him, especially at social & family gatherings.

So I have built an armour around myself that stops me wanting, needing or asking anyone for help. I want to be totally self sufficient. This is not the only incident that brought on this way of being for me. It has been many years of dealing with Teflon man that have made this way.

I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me, I hate pity. I simply want other women out there going through a similar experience to realise they are not alone. To read my story and be able to  pick up on these behaviours in their own lives and deal with them?

Read the Part 2 to find out what his behaviour was about?

Leave a comment and join the discussion?